My empty canvas

I’ve been chased by the phantom of failure my whole life. I’ve always felt trapped inside the dozens of thoughts that go around my head minute after minute. I’ve been always thinking I never finish what I start or achieve my goals. In some cases was because of lack of passion, in others, I have no idea. I guess something is very wrong in my head. Lately, I’ve been so close to finish something I do enjoy but didn’t. Teaching has become a nightmare month after month. I’ve done my best and I enjoy teaching English. But the last three months have me trapped in this hurricane of negativity. I don’t know to explain it; I just want to hide whenever I have to go. I get any excuse to not enter into the class. I know, I must sound like a stupid spoiled girl afraid to grow up. It’s not that, I promise.

About a year ago, my mom got very sick, she had a diabetic coma and I felt like I was losing her. She was so fragile; I felt frustrated and scared 24/7 during those days. I remember one specific moment when I hold her in my arms and she cried like a small kid because she was in pain. I don’t want to face that ever again, to be honest. I want her to be healthy, however, I know her health became fragile since that day, and I constantly worry about it. Some nights, when I’m at her home, I can’t sleep thinking she might happen to feel sick or something. It terrifies me to lose her. When I’m alone at the apartment, I feel guilty for not being with her in that moment. I know I’m not a doctor, I wish I were. I know I can’t take her pain away, I wish I could. But I feel like I want to be stick to her every day of my life. This, for someone that has been always very independent, is hard to process. I feel tied. And makes me anxious to leave her house most of the time. And worse, makes me postpone some of my activities.

One day, she told me she only wants me to become a full time teacher so she can finally rest in peace. Maybe it sounds very dramatic for all of you, but to me it means a lot. In my head, deep inside, makes me to stop going to the last three months of teaching classes. This makes me feel like a failure. Plus, this makes her get sicker; the constant failure raises her anxious and harms her mental health –which also affects her physical health. So it’s a lose-lose situation. A situation I can’t run away from. A situation I don’t want to tell anyone about it because it makes me feel like a coward and a failure.   

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Drawing the rest of your life

I used to live scared during my childhood, teen years and early adult days; always feeling non talented -just another unskillful girl in the corner of her room, drawing the glorious days of a life that was denied to her since day one. Constantly, I used to hear that art was only for the talented ones; art was just a risk for dreamers like my grandfather, my uncles, but not for me.

I grew up without techniques, without a constant training in the art areas. I was there, just painting delusions in the back of the hideous math notebooks. I was always feeling frustrated with myself. I was convinced that studying something art related was an impossible task to do. I knew I wouldn’t have the guts to do it.

Took me ten years to stand up in front of my family and tell them how unhappy I was –with suicidal attempts, depression and anxiety issues. It wasn’t easy at all. I wasted part of my early twenties in a career I hate. I didn’t hate it because I was bad at it. Actually I was considered relatively good. I’ve been always good at writing and I actually love it. But journalism isn’t just about being a good writer. It's, as in any career, about passion. I didn’t feel that passion, I got used to it but I was incomplete. I wanted to express myself. I realized I wanted to be a photographer then. –This is another story I’ll write about here. However, after a couple of years after I discovered that I was in love with art. Not only with one field. No, I can’t tell I just do one of those. That’s why I decided to study graphic design because it includes and develops many of the areas I love. I still have no techniques but this time I’m learning. My drawing has improved. I invite you to take a look in my Instagram gallery to see the process. I’m still a beginner, but I, finally, started the life I was too scared to life. I’m so lucky I have the support of a few friends, my boyfriend and my family –the ones I'm still convincing with hard work, day by day. However, I hope they will feel proud of me one day. Proud of who I'm working to become.

My only recommendation in this life is to always listen to your heart. Never believe you aren’t good for something, if you feel passion for it, you will learn and educate your talent. It’s about hard work, passion and talent, don’t be scared, I might not know you, but I support you. Good luck in the rest of your life. Live it the way you want it because it’s yours and no one else’s. 

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The beginning

After some months, I've finally decided to open a new blog. -In case you didn't know, I have two other blogs dedicated to other topics.- So this time I want to write about my school life as a graphic design student. I finally found my way in life and I want to share some of the techniques and tips I'll learn. 

So be prepare for the massive spam I'll make during this days while I upload all the works I've done in my first semester. 

Wish me luck in this new adventure. -crossing fingers-

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