My empty canvas

I’ve been chased by the phantom of failure my whole life. I’ve always felt trapped inside the dozens of thoughts that go around my head minute after minute. I’ve been always thinking I never finish what I start or achieve my goals. In some cases was because of lack of passion, in others, I have no idea. I guess something is very wrong in my head. Lately, I’ve been so close to finish something I do enjoy but didn’t. Teaching has become a nightmare month after month. I’ve done my best and I enjoy teaching English. But the last three months have me trapped in this hurricane of negativity. I don’t know to explain it; I just want to hide whenever I have to go. I get any excuse to not enter into the class. I know, I must sound like a stupid spoiled girl afraid to grow up. It’s not that, I promise.

About a year ago, my mom got very sick, she had a diabetic coma and I felt like I was losing her. She was so fragile; I felt frustrated and scared 24/7 during those days. I remember one specific moment when I hold her in my arms and she cried like a small kid because she was in pain. I don’t want to face that ever again, to be honest. I want her to be healthy, however, I know her health became fragile since that day, and I constantly worry about it. Some nights, when I’m at her home, I can’t sleep thinking she might happen to feel sick or something. It terrifies me to lose her. When I’m alone at the apartment, I feel guilty for not being with her in that moment. I know I’m not a doctor, I wish I were. I know I can’t take her pain away, I wish I could. But I feel like I want to be stick to her every day of my life. This, for someone that has been always very independent, is hard to process. I feel tied. And makes me anxious to leave her house most of the time. And worse, makes me postpone some of my activities.

One day, she told me she only wants me to become a full time teacher so she can finally rest in peace. Maybe it sounds very dramatic for all of you, but to me it means a lot. In my head, deep inside, makes me to stop going to the last three months of teaching classes. This makes me feel like a failure. Plus, this makes her get sicker; the constant failure raises her anxious and harms her mental health –which also affects her physical health. So it’s a lose-lose situation. A situation I can’t run away from. A situation I don’t want to tell anyone about it because it makes me feel like a coward and a failure.